Can't Breathe.

I swear there's something crushing my lungs.
I need to get out of this stage.
I hate this I hate this I hate this
And the funny thing is, I'm not entirely sure what "This" is.
Living ? Uhh that's not overdramatic or anything.
But I can't get over wondering why I survived through that.
Like what am I doing right ?
Nothing.
What am I doing here ?
Nothing.
Sooo. What's up yo.
Why is this so hard ?
Gotta fill up this empty hole.
Can't.
Dang.
Now what.

Why this is my favorite movie.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.


Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.



I have another scenario for you - I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can't believe how many times I'm saying it! And I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: 3 for the price of 1. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn't all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU.

Done.

So basically most awkward after-school moment ever today.
My mouth hurts from a big cut that got there from &^#)^*&#@^.
This weekend was amazing.
Lucas' party = bombb, btw Happy Birthday to himm. <3

& A little note.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect & I never will be. But you can stop expecting things from me now, because I am not living my life for you. I'm done caring and I'm done trying to be what you want. I am who I am and you have no choice but to accept that now. So get over it.

I'm done. Late.

XOJM

Lost.

My password for a very long time. (=
So I'm officially convinced I am the biggest klutz in the world.
Life is good.
That's pretty much it.
& My OBSESH.

CHECKITTT:
http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/profile?id=486299

XOJM

Bye.

I have had nothing but words of love for you. I did not take everyone's side, and unlike everyone else in the world, I didn't believe those stupid rumors about you. I have given you nothing but my advice and my love, yet you still resent me. You find a way to be mean to me still, and twist my words around for your personal pleasure and I'm here to tell you that

I'm DONE.

Have an amazing life because at one point, you were my best of the best of friends. Maybe you're still there somewhere. Maybe not. Despite your changes, I still love you. But I can't do this anymore. Peace girl.

XOJM

Don't Be Fake.

If you are going to be nice to me in texting when there is no one else around, and then pretend like you do not even know me in front of everyone, then don't bother being nice to just me.

I'd rather you be real with me then act like we are friends, then completely ignore me when you see me. Honestly dear, that is quite immature of you. I am not the biggest fan of fake people, so if you are real and have some sort of an explanation for your behavior, my ears are open to listen. Although, I really do not think you care so much as to even read this blog.

I really have nothing left to say besides; good luck with whatever.
& That's not sarcastic, love.

XOJM

Well yesterday,

Was a let down =/ Some people just don't know how to follow through with plans, and then some others pretend that cops are coming to your house when it's three girls home alone and bang on the door like a rapist and then take us to in n out at midnight. (:

Today. Going to grandma's. (Yay?) Working on lab writeup.
Should be interesting.
& Boring.
Texxxttt.
lovelovelovekayla&jasmine.

XOJM.

Hip flexor

First period. Well technically "we all have hip flexors" since they're just a group of muscles or whatever, I just happened to tear mine. I had so much fun limping around school today & not being able to go home because of a test in five periods ! Still hurts preetty freekin' badd, but still going ice skating tonight with my lovies. This week was a bust, & next week is environmental tests all around ! But that is okayy because thee sleepover party tonight should make up for it all !

Text me loves !

XOJM

Don't Listen.

Open your eyes
Close your ears
Close your ears
Open your eyes

Listen to what you see
You are blind to what you hear
Listen to what you see
Do not fear the truth beneath
Reach for roots beneath the trees
Listen to the words you seek
Don’t listen to a word they say
Do NOT listen to a word you’ve heard
Do not listen to a word you’ve heard
People are people we live for our own
Live how you think not by what you’ve been told.

Please do not show anyone this song.
I was not supposed to show it to anyone,
But I think it is a great display of wisdom
That everyone can be reminded of.
Because lately in high school, we become lost
And wandering. Wondering who we are.
Changing for people and losing ourselves.
So take this advice my loves.

I love you all so much.
<3

XOJM

Like I said,

To many people, horrible things happen to me everyday. I'm convinced I have horrible luck. I got really irritated with some people, but more irritated with myself. Narrowly avoided a certain someone, then ran right into them about five minutes later.

Three tests tomorrow. =/
The only thing that keeps me going is thinking about sleepover party Friday with my lovies!

Ahh.

XOJM.

My Lifee.

So basically.
I personally get irritated when people vent their feelings in MySpace bulletins, so I started one of these. And I'll probably be updating it daily, I usually have a lot to say. (:

XOJM