never

realized how mean someone could be to the one that they love. why can't i just be normal. for once. please. i'm seriously begging here. i have no idea what the hell is my problem but i just need to duct tape my mouth shut. all the time. i can't believe you could love someone like that (that being me). although you haven't said it yet.. so i at least hope you love me. but i can't doubt you again that's what started this whole stupid pointless mess that i still do not understand. nothing new, though. back to square one. dun dun dunn. duunno what to do now. dunnnoo what just happened. dunnooo what what what what whom what when where why HOW you oddball you just ruin the whole alliteration dontcha. jerk. i must seriously be going insane. i should really stay out of peoples lives. no wonder i dont have many friends. i ruin everything. hahaha. fantastic ! i haven't eaten barely anything all day ! and i'm not hungry ! life. "i wish it to be sound and sweet, not to need diet and bleeding" oh free speech essay, how you know me. i am actually enjoying this 200 point weight on my shoulders. gets my mind off things. things that i somehow manage to screw up. things that ugh. things. stuff. junk. life. hahaha. woooowoo. i want po tay toeeess. soo badly. but i'm not hungry and i might just throw up. morning sickness by the way ! DEFINITELY threw up this morning. haven't told one person! it's a little gross yeah ? exactly! maybe i'm pregnant ! hahahaha. i'm kidding i'm not pregnant. i do not know what i want to do with my life myyy feet hurt and all i've been doing is sitting. oh wait i ate chips and salsa after school for a little bit ! wish i hadn't. stupid sodium. fat. gym membership here i come. make some good bucks offa mee. i don't know what i'm saying. would i rather feel nothing at all than feel sadness ? hahaha i have nooo idea ! what does that even mean. i dont even know and i said it! ha! school! schoolschoolskool2kool4school fool! OHGAWWDD hunnaayy. spanish quiz manana. sisi! no bueno. i dont speak spanish uhhhhh so much for nothing exciting going on in my life. if you could call depression (again) exciting. i DID think we were past this well, you never do anything and that is the furthest thing from sarcasm, i'm sorry, i DID think I was past this. like for serious. but woahwoah i didn't even do anything! or did i ? and yet i probably did, yes i did. because i always do someshangg, i wouldn't be me if i didn't ! or would i? rhetorical questions are soo lame what am i doing with my life i mentioned that before i have NO IDEAA what i wanna do with my life yo. i wanna chiiilll wit da homies and slack off and marry some rich guy who buys me stuff and makes me famous. or do i wanna go to school and college and make some huge medical discovery? it just took me forever to find the c key. i'm not smart enough for college if i can't find the first letter of it on the keyboard. hey if i'm rich i could just PAY someone and FUND the research for a medical discovery. yeah.. maybes babes. we'll see what the future GOTTAGOYO maybe be back in a bit i have nothing better to do or talk to or conversate with even though i conversate with like no one now. "who was the last person you had a deep conversation with ?" gee i dunno. people still do that ? whattt bye.

XODUMBASS

Hahaha

SHUT UP.

New Post.

I believe no human being has ever consumed as much candy as I have in a two day period. I'm about to get kicked off the computer so this won't be long. I don't think. I don't really have much to say. And I don't really know what possessed me to come on blog spot. But I'm here now. And typing. I'm not really going through any difficult times, which is usually the reason I resort to online venting. The only thing I can really tell that I'm feeling is that finally this year things are going right. I know where I'm going and I can not wait to get there. I wish my life would just speed up until tomorrow and I never had to sleep. The anticipation of each day kills me. I want to fast forward to the good parts of my day. But then I guess if there was a good moment in the midst of my normally boring moments I might miss it. Then would I remember everything that I fast forwarded to once I hit play ? Or would it not be the same, like I just watched a movie or something and never actually lived it even though I did. Would other people notice that I was fast forwarding ? Would I be able to control myself while my life is moving super fast ? Or would I just sit there like a vegetable until I hit play? But if I just sat there like a vegetable then I wouldn't be able to hit play. Would I just fast forward until I starve and die ? What would people do? Would anyone find my remote and push play for me ? Or could they not enter my alternate universe that rips the space time continuum? Is that how you spell that? Would I fast forward past my death too? Would God be mad at me for wasting my life ? But I didn't know it would waste my life. Or is skipping the boring parts in your life considered wasting it too ? Does that mean I'm taking my life for granted ? Or does that mean I'm just human and get bored sometimes. Or some weird combination of the two. Seems to explain my life, probably it. I feel like going to a pumpkin patch. And a petting zoo. Dressed up as a cow girl. Talking in a heavy Texan accent. I will someday. Maybe even when I'm old and can only get around in a wheel chair. I'll be the crazy old western lady in the flannel and wheelchair in the petting zoo stuffing my face in boxers now where did that come from ? Only one person in the entire world knows. Only one person in the six billion plus people in this entire earth knows what that means. Is that baffling to you or is that just me ? It's getting more and more difficult to type without typos my phone just vibrated. It's the one person out of the six billion that means more than the world to me. I don't know if anyone reading this could ever understand that. And if you can, then you are insanely lucky just like me. Because it's extremely difficult to find. So much for this being short. Now I have to go. Night.

XOJM

I'll always have them.

Tell me how I'm a total wreck. Afraid to let anyone near. Afraid they'll see the real me. I do have friends, but they don't know me, only someone I've created to take my place. Someone sculpted from ice. I keep the melted me bottled up inside. Where no one can touch her, until, unbidden, she comes pouring out. She puddles then, upon fear-trodden ground. I am always afraid, and I am vague about why.

I've got to learn to say no, and not only say it, but mean it. In some situations, not always the right ones, I know, I'm strong. Really strong. Tough, even, I guess, ina very odd way, I'm something of a survivor. But there are times when, much as I want to assert myself, know it's the right thing to do, I can't find the inner fortitude to follow through with a simple two letter word. NO. One of the first words babies can understand, one of the first they learn to repeat. No. No, I won't let you treat me with disrespect, and I don't have to explain why I won't let you this time. Okay, so maybe I'm a little confused. Does being in control mean I have to cave in to crumble?

Never acceot evil as something you must walk with, something you deserve. Somehow. Do you understand what I mean? I nod, because I do understand I'm just not sure how to go about divorcing myself from the evil I've already accepted.

Not at all. You can't trust a man, any man, any more than you can put your faith in a rabid dog, not even your own dog, who would never hurt you, except he's rabid. Not sure why I believe that. But I solidly do. I've sen guys act like they are just so in love with their girl-of-the-moment, only to turn around and dump her cold.

I don't love him, and he definitely doesn't love me. Still, he semi-fills a gaping black hole inside me. That place wants love, maybe even needs love, but love is something I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.

Why can't he and I find a way to accept each other, lose ourselves in all-encompassing love, the kind that can save you? The kind htat can glue all the fragments of two broken hearts together.

I know the last eight years cannot have been easy. But hanging out with losers won't make your life better. I've come to believe that people who survive accidents like that one are either just plain evil, or saved for a reason. Which one are you ?

But please try to trust me. Love is meaningless without trust. I can't change what has happened in the past. I can only promise to make the future better.

Love is about helping each other through dark times

Afraid to die loveless. Because I think if you die without knowing love in this life, that's how you'll spend eternity. Alone. Frozen. Do you think hell is fiery ? I don't. I think hell is frozen.

One thing to live for. One day at a time.




I'm not insane, I promise. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. And if you do, you're amazing and I love you. Good choice in a way to spend your free time.

Yeah.

I love my boyfriend.

Bell Peppers.

Are ready to harvest on my Farmville. They looked like yellow tulips. I was just really upset when I found out they were not. =/

My, my, my,

my, my, my, myyyyy myyyyy.
Who will love you ?
Who will fight ?
Who will fall far behind ?

I GOT AN ANGEL ON MAH LEFTT SAYIN GET AWAY
BUT THE DEVIL ON MAH RIGHT'S SAYIN TIME TO PLAY !
Each time I try to play the good girl,
I let myself get in the wayyy.
I try so hard to fight the bad giirl but she's here to stayy
SABOTAGED NOW OVER AND OVER AGAIN !

Great songs to blast.

Ahg why do I feel like life is so much to handle right now ? Nothing has even changed. I guess I am just letting stress get the better of me. Being sick and tired all the time does not really help either. Homecoming looks like it is going to be a bust & a waste of money and time, which hopefully it will turn out not to be. But knowing my luck, it probably will be a drag. Nothing really works out. Second dress comes tomorrow. Driving whatever tomorrow. Kitchen done tomorrow. My back hurts. I just typed "bck" instead of back. Hahaha. Oh goodness. What good times. For us I guess, even though everyone else hated us. Hm, sounds kinda familiar. This blog is ridiculously complaint-filled and depressing. Hahaha. Too bad. I'm not in a good mood. If you're reading this you should call me and cheer me up. But that would be really creepy considering I do not know like any of the people who are following me anymore and you random internet creeps.. Not putting my number here for you. "Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall.." Hahaha wtf. A popular topic is really scooters? Oh gosh there was a huge spider in my bath tub that mysteriously diappeared.. Sitting here.. Listening to music.. Doing nothing.. Really thirsty. I like hanging out in my pretty kitchen now WOW it took me way too long to spell kitchen. Anyways. Tomorrow is probably going to suck. Someone should bring me flowers or candy or something. Yeah. That'd brighten my morning/afternoon/day. Aw toooo bad I don't have friends. I'm going to get cookie dough even though I'm stuffed to the max already. I'm destined to be obese anyways. I don't need a husband. As long as I have cookie dough. And cats. Lots of cats.

XOJM

I should

Honestly just stop thinking. It really does ruin a lot.
I'm like blasting Battlefield by Jordin Sparks & If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember. Seriously such amazing songs. Tomorrow should be a pretty terrible day. But that is pretty typical I guess. Found out someone else feels the exact same way I feel, so maybe I am not totally insane yet. But I will go insane if I fail two of my quizzes tomorrow, which knowing my luck, is the most probable thing. I am so not in sync with the world right now. I feel so detached and disconnected with everything for reasons I can't exactly put my finger on, but it would be a grand thing to find out. Pretty stoked for a sleepover with my best friends tomorrow night, hopefully it ends up happening. I legitimately miss those girls to death, so that's something to look forward to. I don't know what I'm talking about here. Such random venting. Hopefully hanging out with Ben tomorrow despues de la escuela. That boy means the world to me. It's nice to have a boyfriend who is my best friend too. I could not imagine being with anyone anywhere near as perfect for me as he is. Honestly. He's always there for me. No matter what stupid stuff I put him through. And I do put him through A LOT of crap. I mean, not intentionally, but that's no justification or excuse. I know I don't deserve him. I have NO idea why in the world I'm putting this online but whatever. He's amazing. And he deserves to have good things about him for the entire population of the world with access to internet to read. I do not know what in the world I would do without him by my side. He's the only person who can really make me truly happy. He's even making me laugh at this very moment, I can not believe he's still here with me. He's always there for me somehow. I do not know how he puts up with me, but I am so incredibly happy that he finds a way. I would love to be with him for a long time. I can't picture anyone else making me happier than he does every day. Or someone I can get along with. Well we do fight. A lot. But hopefully things will continue to get better as they are now. He's someone I can really depend on. No matter how obnoxious I get. Hopefully that doesn't change anytime soon. Seeing him is probably the only reason that I can make it through the day alive. Not really. That's an exaggeration. But you get the point. I find the fact that I have absolutely NO idea who "you" are. Like some random creeper can Google my name and read all of this. Hm. Oh well. This is ridiculously long. If you read this, you probably just wasted a good chunk of your life. Ha. Bye.

XOJM

Hahahahahahahahaha.

So. I'm bored. And decided to Google how people have gotten asked to homecoming. I know I sound pretty lame. But not as lame as these kids:

Put Hershey's kisses in the front doorway of their house. "Now that I've kissed the ground you walk on, will you go to homecoming with me?"

Sugar Daddy, Please don't Snicker. Will you like to go out with me to homecoming. I always wanted to go with you, since you're such a BIG HUNK. Love, Your Sugar Baby. (Or make up your own message. Some good candies to use: Oh! Henry, Nerds, Zero, Chuckles, Milky Way, M & M's, Mars, Mamba, Skor, Lifesavers, Sweetarts, Almond Joy, Mounds, Hot Tamales, etc.)

Have someone dressed up like Moses deliver the invitation worded like the 10 commandments--e.g. Thou shalt have no other dates before me, Thou shalt be ready at 7 pm on the 23rd of May, 1999.

Write the invitation like an airplane itinerary and deliver with a bag or peanuts or pretzels and an toy airplane.

In the middle of a conversation stare at her. shell be like what? Say
"well i was just wondering... uh.. wanna go to homecoming with me?"

Hahahahahahaha.

XOJM

STOP.

Reading this stuff. I can guarantee you that 99.99999999% of the things that I say on here I do not intend for anyone to take personally. This is just for me to vent. I did not think a single person read this ! But apparently they do haha. The stuff I write here about other people doesn't matter and I don't mean most of it. I just need to vent about it. Do not take it personally & it's probably not about you anywayss. I probably love you. (:

On the other hand, it's stuff like this post that I mean ! I just watched one of my absolute favorite shows What I Like About You. (: And Rick, Val's high school sweetheart, came to visit Val and Rick is about to marry Julie. They're eating Gary's birthday cake and then Rick is talking to Val about he is surprised that she is not married and says that no matter who she marries, he will not be good enough for her and he says that she should find a guy who REALLY cares about her and looks at her like she is his whole world or something and then he looks at Holly and Vince and is like, "Like the way that guy is looking at your sister (Holly)" and it shows Vince looking at Holly in like the frikin cutest way ever. Then it goes to Holly and Vince and Vince asks Holly if Rick and Val used to be together in high school and Holly's like yeah but they're just friends now and Vince is like I dunno about that and then it shows them looking at Val and Rick and Rick is looking at Val the same way and AH it was so absolutely adorable. I would love for someone to look at me like that. That show consumes my life. I just took a really long time to type something that should have been like one or two sentences. But I have nothing to do. So I might as well elaborate. (: Love stories are so freeeekin adorablee. I'm a sucker for cute corny stuff like that ! Happyhappyhappy<3.

XOJM

Sorry.

Now that I know you read this. (: <3

Changes.

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change."
Definitely the fortune from Panda Express that I keep behind my phone battery. Houseboats this year was absolutely amazing and the people are so inspiring. I have not felt closer to God in so long and like I am finally getting on the right track with my life. God is testing my faith right now, but I am so determined to stay strong and believe in him. I have realized that some things that I want to change and do myself are simply out of my hands and should be laid at his feet because, as my best friend Laura has reminded me, God has His own plan for everyone. I am finally saying goodbye to the life that I have led and am taking a new path for the better. Some people don't support this and don't understand it, but just because some people don't approve of the changes that you are making, you have to remember that you are changing for God and not for man. The Lord's opinion is supreme and surpasses all other opinions, so why should we sit here and try to please mankind? The Bible states that we should not love the world or anything in it. If you idolize the world and worship worldly things, you cannot worship God as well. My life has not become any easier since houseboats. In fact, it has been a little bit more difficult. But I know with my encouraging friends and the Lord by my side, I can make it through, survive, and have an amazing life. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me. (:

XOJM

Dear you,

I never thought I could ever get over you. And I wrote you a letter & left it on your doorstep telling you how much I love you so you would see it when you get home. I thought maybe you would understand. But then when I got home I suddenly regretted writing that letter. I thought about it all weekend. And my feelings for some reason just were not the same. I would have gone back to get it so you would not read it, but you were already home. I just texted you telling you to ignore it. And nothing has ever felt so good.

Goodbye you. (:



FINALLY.


XOJM

IOSNGIOFNG

STOP BEING SO ANNOYYINNGG.
nobody cares about you ! and sorry to burst your bubble sweetie but you are NOT the coolest person in the world. (if youre reading this right now i can basically guarantee it is not about you).

i hope you never come to my school.
i hope i never have to be within 100 feet of your slut face.
GET OUT of my life !
you're probably the one person in this town that i CANNOT TOLERATE.
ughAetngiosrn!

thank goodness for venting on blogspot.

dont read this.

DONTMESSCAUSEIGOTMORETOSAYTOYOUTHANYOUCOULDEVERIMAGINE.
WATCHYOURBACKBECAUSEKARMADSURELYOMESBACKAROUNDTOYOU.
YOUTHINKYOURESOTIGHTRIGHTNOWBUTIMNOTGOINGTOBETHEBETTER.
PERSONANDLUGAROUNDYOURFATPREGOASSBECAUSEYOUDONTDESERVE.
ANYONEHELPINGYOUSINCEYOUNEGLECTYOURBESTFRIENDSANDYOUARE.
ACOMPLETEHOEANDIHOPEYOUGETPREGNANTANDYOURMOTHERKILLS.
YOUBECAUSENOONEEVENKNOWSWHOIMTALKINGABOUTHERESOITSNICE.
TOVENTWITHOUTFEELINGBADBECAUSEYOUCANTEVENREADTHISSOSUCK.
ITOHWAITYOUAREINAFEWHOURSARENTYOUWELLIHOPETHATSAWKWARD.
BECAUSENEXTTIMEYOUNEEDMEYEAHIWILLBETHEREFORYOUBECUASE.
UNLIKEYOUIDONOTNEGLECTMYFRIENDSINTHEIRTIMEOFNEEDBUTJUST.
KNOWTHATYOUDONTEVENDESERVETHATFROMANYONECAUSEYOUREJUST.
COMPLETELYIMMATUREANDMAYBEMOREIMMATURETHANTHEPEOPLEIN.
YOURGRADETHATYOUCONSTANTLYCOMPLAINABOUTSOSTOPCOMPLAINING.
YOUREEXACTLYLIKEALLOFTHEM.

worst day

in quite awhile i guess. finally stopped talking to my best friend who has found someone new but whatever its all good i guess. theyre happy. dont want another one of my best friends to move. people who rent rooms in your house who go through chemo voluntarily for no reason will end up getting you taken away by child services. tight. 'nother friend making probably biggest mistake of her life in a few hours. and becoming best friends with a hoe that i highly dislike and think should stop lying and influencing my friend. gay. uh havent eaten all day 'cept like three poptarts. chill. on the bright side choreographing a dance to eyes on fire. should be good. but ill probably be too lazy to ever work on it again. had a dance sesh at alicias. fun stuff. hm karly sat on a ghost. my mom is a lurk. showed up at alicias door randomly to take me home and says shes taking me somewhere tomorrow but wont tell me where and she doesnt seem too happy. awesome i guess. uh except for waking up early. too lazy for punctuation and to notice how ridiculously long this crap is. kinda done right now. with this blog and like everything a little. just a bit. maybe a lotta bit. who knows. my closet exploded. like literally. i should take a picture and post it on here but im not that into blogs to make them cool or entertaining for any reason. sorry. im just kidding. i really dont care. so i guess im not sorry. so i lied. im not the only person whose lied today. strange how best friends can turn out to be such fair weather friends. well i hope you have awesome babies yo. next time my name comes out of your mouth, choke on it. go ahead and choke on something else thats gonna be in your mouth today and tell your new best friend to do the same. thanks girl. youre really tight. you can just uh find another friend cause im kinda out. late.