Umm

So basically I made what seems to be the biggest mistake of my life. Really ? Hmm.. But I feel as though if it was all erased and things returned to normalcy, whatever the hell htat is defined as anymore, I would be somewhat disappointed in myself- it would be seen as a lack of strength to handle the consequences of my own actions. Maybe this hurting is normal. Maybe something possessed me to do such a drastic and unexpected, as ironic and insane as it sounds, from both sides for a reason. I never had the strength to stand up for myself before and I finally did it without expecting it. Yes, it was handled very immaturely and rudely on my end but it did happen and there is nothing that i can take back now, not ever. I need to be proud of myself. And with one phone call, I can feel nothing but gratitude for every second of my stupid little life. I am stilll breathing, I am still alive. What more can I ask for honestly ? It won't be like that forever. Getting out of this town never felt so good. One more birthday here and I am gone. I am never coming back here, I can tell you that right now. I will never be back here. You, you gaveme hte best year of my life. Good and bad combined, the good times outweighed the bad but I'm sorry I could not do it anymore. I did not want to end it, not at all. I did not want to lose you,I still dont want to lose you and i still wish i never had to do that but i know deep down that it is something that i HAD to do, despite wshat i wanted throughout this entire struggle. i know that was the right thing to do to benefit both of us in the long run. i stil dont waznt this to be over but there is nothing that i can do about it. that power was in my hands and i abused it and then it was put ito your hands and you decided what you want to do. so now there is nothing to do but keep breathing.l just keep breathing. keep breathing. keep on breathing. make yourself happy, that's all i want. chase afer your dreams, always be strong. know that i do love you and that i will always be here for you to support you in whatever you aspire to do if you ever need extra suppport. i hope you have a beautiful life, i'm sorry i couldn't be a part of it anymore. i'm sorry i couldn't handle it. you deserve the best and someone who you do not fight with, someone not oerdramatic, someone who will be there for you like i never could be. someone to open up to you and make you happy, that's all i want for you. you're amazing and you deserve that. we deserve to be happy. goodbye

I want a boyfriend.

Who kisses my forehead.
Who opens the door, not only for me, but for other people as well.
Who says sweet things out of nowhere.
Who sends me texts just to say "good morning".
Who I can spend the day with him & his family and have a great time.
Who has goals & is academically stimulated.
Who can actually carry a conversation.
Who has a beautifully unique personality.
Who I can hang out with completely comfortably in sweat pants and no make up.
Who I can sit around doing nothing with and still have fun.
Who I can be a complete loser dork around.
Who opens doors for me.
Who can make me laugh every 5 seconds.
Who is there for me & makes me smile when I'm crying.
Who offers me his jacket when he just suspects that I'm cold.
Who puts up with me even when I am annoying.
Who I can eat a cheeseburger in front of without feeling disgusting.
Who doesn't completely change around his friends.
Who doesn't cheat on me.
Who would probably spend his time reading this.

OH WAIT ! I DO HAVE THIS. YAAAY.
I have probably read lists like this on "myspace bulletins" and "facebook fan pages" for years.


HAA !

ben

i'm wondering if you REALLY wrote that on your card in spanish today or if Cuevas just said it.

P.S. i really did have no me gusta ben written on mine

P.P.S. except i'm actually just kidding

the

1 thing i can always count on to make me feel better.

how in the world

i just wrote this excessively long paragraph about how ridiculously frustrated i am right now. but being so overly dramatic would probably lead me to my downfall.

i'm just so done with everything right now.
someone take me awayyyy for awhile.
i need a break. and not one of the usual breaks like hanging out for a few hours. no. i need to get out of here for awhile. there is no way i am staying anywhere around here. after senior year, i am GONE. and i will not miss this. lata suckas.

Once again.

I have been reassured of the fact that I have the perfect boyfriend.

Yeahh.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

She's all I need.


OH i wish. &wish i wasn't so annoying. =P

rainy rainy days.

soo,

when i say i love you, i really actually do mean it<3.

"i need you to know this won't be broken. and all that we say will not be lost into the dawn. and you will be the last thing i saw coming, i'm still surprised. & you are lovely tonight, you dear will guide me into the morning light. you are lovely tonight, lay here beside me, i see the rest of my life with you. alone we find that when we are two we are eternal. the moons align, our separate lives here become one. all my life i've lived alone without you. all this time i couldn't find a way to belong."

wedding song ? yes. changing my mind by the time my wedding comes ? hopefully not.

HAHAHA

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

OHHHHFAVORITEBAND, YOUNEVERCEASETOPLEASEME(:

JM&JM

two friends who were never meant to be separated.
summer, please come quickly.

'but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool [FORCALIFORNIA](:'

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.

Brand New - New favorite band ? Yeah think so.

P.S. I LEFT MY PHONE AT SCHOOL AND I WANT TO FRIKIN TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND which is really really really scary considering as i was typing this he IMed me on facebook YAYAYAYAYAY.<333333

tonight.

set fire to the third bar + reading hp + cookies + depressed boyfriend + <3ing my depressed boyfriend + heart murmur + blood tests + CB2.0 + sleeping family + queen + getting yelled at in approximately 5 seconds = my life at 10:36 pm January 11th.

Closing.

My eyes. Listening to music. Dreaming of where I want to be. Dreaming of how I want things to be. Ohh nothing will ever compare to dreaming. Life will never compare to what I dream. If only it would. But it's alright. I'll close my eyes and go back home.

When the rain is blowing in your face
and the whole world is on your case
I can offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows
and the stars appear
and there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong.
I could make you happy make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the earth for you.
To make you feel my love.

Don't know why I feel like this. Don't know why Kayla freeking Poll always seems to text me with the same exact feelings ? Weird. ahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhh<3.

My stomach is a BEAST. FOOOOOD.

I

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.
I want to believe in something more than you and me.

Honestly what the hell is going on right now ? I couldn't tell you. Someone give me some answers here. Why do I feel like this ? I don't know. And what do I even feel like ? Hahaha I have NO idea. Woooooo ? =P

My heart is heavy and my eyes sore
Cracking and breaking down to my core
I can't hold myself together anymore
In constant search for something more.

Choices, Choices
Life is full of choices. We don't always make good ones. It seems to her you gotta be crazy to open your windows, invite the demons in. She throws a rock at the feeble glass, laughs.

Have you ever once in your life reached out to touch infinity ?

I will admit through flowing tears that he has become more than a friend to me. He's a bright planet in the dark morning sky of my existence. Somehow seeing him, even with his varied flaws, buoys me with hope. I am better for knowing him. I wonder where he came from, what random joining of energy created such complexity

And as of right now I finally know why. Duh. And it's not something bad. No, it's something beautiful. And I am lucky to experience it, to have it. And I never want to let it go. That, you see, is my problem. And honestly, it's not much of a problem at all. More of a statement, and idea, abstract as it is. Abstract, and yet tangible to me everyday. And all I know is that I have what no one else does. I have something amazing in my life that not ONE other person on the face of the planet has. What I have may not always desire me like I desire it, but sometimes life just works that way. And all I can do is wait. "All I can do is keep breathing." And know that life - - - -- -- -- -- - ---is beautiful when it doesn't seem like it. Because I don't know how lucky I am. By the way, if you're wondering, yeah. It's you. Thank you.