I'll always have them.

Tell me how I'm a total wreck. Afraid to let anyone near. Afraid they'll see the real me. I do have friends, but they don't know me, only someone I've created to take my place. Someone sculpted from ice. I keep the melted me bottled up inside. Where no one can touch her, until, unbidden, she comes pouring out. She puddles then, upon fear-trodden ground. I am always afraid, and I am vague about why.

I've got to learn to say no, and not only say it, but mean it. In some situations, not always the right ones, I know, I'm strong. Really strong. Tough, even, I guess, ina very odd way, I'm something of a survivor. But there are times when, much as I want to assert myself, know it's the right thing to do, I can't find the inner fortitude to follow through with a simple two letter word. NO. One of the first words babies can understand, one of the first they learn to repeat. No. No, I won't let you treat me with disrespect, and I don't have to explain why I won't let you this time. Okay, so maybe I'm a little confused. Does being in control mean I have to cave in to crumble?

Never acceot evil as something you must walk with, something you deserve. Somehow. Do you understand what I mean? I nod, because I do understand I'm just not sure how to go about divorcing myself from the evil I've already accepted.

Not at all. You can't trust a man, any man, any more than you can put your faith in a rabid dog, not even your own dog, who would never hurt you, except he's rabid. Not sure why I believe that. But I solidly do. I've sen guys act like they are just so in love with their girl-of-the-moment, only to turn around and dump her cold.

I don't love him, and he definitely doesn't love me. Still, he semi-fills a gaping black hole inside me. That place wants love, maybe even needs love, but love is something I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.

Why can't he and I find a way to accept each other, lose ourselves in all-encompassing love, the kind that can save you? The kind htat can glue all the fragments of two broken hearts together.

I know the last eight years cannot have been easy. But hanging out with losers won't make your life better. I've come to believe that people who survive accidents like that one are either just plain evil, or saved for a reason. Which one are you ?

But please try to trust me. Love is meaningless without trust. I can't change what has happened in the past. I can only promise to make the future better.

Love is about helping each other through dark times

Afraid to die loveless. Because I think if you die without knowing love in this life, that's how you'll spend eternity. Alone. Frozen. Do you think hell is fiery ? I don't. I think hell is frozen.

One thing to live for. One day at a time.




I'm not insane, I promise. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. And if you do, you're amazing and I love you. Good choice in a way to spend your free time.